A Grateful Kiwi

I want to be a hot Latina. I've always wanted curves, long thick dark hair, and cocoa colored skin. Instead I find myself a cropped haired, pale, boy shaped woman. Are we ever happy with what we are? We constantly look to magazines, television and even to our peers to find a measuring stick upon which to compare ourselves. Am I tall enough? Am I thin enough? Is my hair the right style? Are my clothes fashionable? It's a never ending battle that I fight every waking moment of each day. Why do we do this to ourselves?

There are a lot of things that I can do to make myself look better on the outside. I exercise. I eat the right foods. I wear make up and style my hair. But, none of these actions will make me look anything like Salma Hayek. I'll never have enough money to jet off to Italy on a moments notice. No matter how much moisturizer I apply, I'll never look 22 again. Come to think of it, I don't think I looked 22 when I was 22. So what is the secret to being content with who we are right now?

Far from being a spiritual person, I think much can be said for being grateful for what we have. I'm not currently in a flood. I did not ride out an earthquake/tsunami. I'm not battling cancer nor are any of my favorite people. I'm not addicted to crack or meth or heroin. I have enough money to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I don't wake up and have to worry that I may be eaten by something with sharp teeth and claws hiding in the long grass each day. These are real concerns for a good portion of the world on a daily basis.

I will probably always compare myself to 18 year old Victoria Secret models because I'm broken. My self image is tweeked and I've given up trying to fix it. However, I think it's important to realize just how lucky I am. And, as my outside continues to deteriorate with the wear and tear of life, I'm going to try to become a kiwi. Ugly, furry and nasty on the outside, but sweet and colorful on the inside.

Hair Removal Methods That Are In Violation of the Geneva Convention

Being of the female persuasion, I have found it necessary to “keep the lawn mowed” as it were. There are loads of products aimed to deprive you of your hard earned cash in an attempt to relieve you of body hair in a pain free manner. Like politicians, these companies are full of spin, lies and damned lies. Allow me to elaborate on a few:

Waxing

This procedure has you placing not quite boiling wax upon your delicate lady parts where the wax adheres to the offending hairs. You then place a strip of muslin over the waxed area and quickly rip the strip off. Ideally the strip should come off easily with all the applied wax and hundreds of problem hairs. Easy Right? Oh, yes, it’s very easy. Pain free, however, it is not.

My first waxing experience was at the tender age of 17. My mother had a bucket o’ wax in the medicine cabinet of our bathroom. Since I had a swimsuit event upcoming, I thought I’d give waxing of the bikini area a go. It was a cold wax that I could apply with the included stick and remove after a few seconds with my fingers. Although I had never had a formal lesson on waxing, I was 17 and therefore smarter than any aesthetician. I smartly bent over and applied the wax to my entire offending “area”. All was going so very well until I attempted to stand to take a breather before removing the wax. I had, in effect, glued myself together at the hip making standing up nearly impossible. “No problem” I thought to myself. I’ll just rip off the wax now and call it a day. Ha! Foolish mortal! The wax does eventually rip off….in pathetically small pieces…taking a layer or two of epidermis with it. Since I’m not one to self torture in silence, my mother came running at the sound of blood curdling screams. Opening the bathroom door she found me hinged at the waist, pants around my ankles, fingers coated in blobs of bright blue wax, with little droplets of blood appearing on my pasty white skin. She did what any mother of a stupid teenager does….she laughed. I don’t remember much after that. It’s been a decade or two and I no longer have blue wax around my goods, so I can only assume that with my mother’s assistance, it eventually came free.

Laser Hair Removal:

This procedure uses small bursts of directed light/heat at the hair follicle causing it to stop hair growth. This process works best on darker hair and takes up to 6 sessions to have complete results.

I’m guessing that my ethnic heritage is not only English, but also Yeti since I have hair on my body that even Big Foot would envy. My arm pits were especially problematic and I was tired of shaving every other day. Enter Laser Hair Removal. I have a friend who did it for a great price and promised it was “no big deal”. I should have re-thought this statement when I was waiting for him to come into the room. I was chatting up his assistant and asked where she’d had her hair removal done. She gently smiled and said that she hadn’t had it done yet because it looked to painful. So there I was, arm pinned above my head, wearing the equivalent of welding goggles while a man armed with what looked like (in my mind) a crème brulee torch came at one of the most sensitive parts of my anatomy. I did what any self respecting woman did. I smiled and acted like I couldn’t feel a thing. Meanwhile I was sweating like a whore in church while he zapped me approximately 80 times with a laser. I can only describe it as being snapped in your arm pit with a rubber band repeatedly by a really mean 6^th grader. I now know why they make you pay for the whole procedure up front. If I wasn’t so damned cheap, I don’t know that I would have come back let alone let him attack the other side. But come back I did…..5 more times. It was effective. I shave about every 6 weeks for the 5 or 6 mutant hairs that like Godzilla, survived the nuclear heat.

I don’t know why we women put up with the ridiculous amount of cost and discomfort to stay hair free. But I’m the proud owner of a waxing pot and I am quite adept at ripping out bikini hairs in a sumo squat in my bathroom. I guess I’m a sucker for punishment.

A Few of My Favorite Things

I'm sure on the list of people with important opinions in your life, I'm probably not going to crack the top 10. However, here is a list of cool websites that you may find interesting:

1) myfitnesspal.com If you are looking to loose weight the old fashioned proven way, this website is a handy one to have bookmarked. Not only is it free, but it's easy to use and more thorough than other sites I've tried. It includes tons of restaurant calories and you can input your favorite recipes so you can keep track of the home cooked meals you're inhaling! It also has an exercise database that gives you estimated calories burned per work out. It's very user friendly and has a companion app. Why pay for Weight Watchers when this is just as effective?

2) newdvdreleases.biz. I'm sure there are a ton of pages that have the newest dvd releases. However, I've found that this one is the most complete. It includes things that have already been out for awhile. Things that are currently coming out, and things that will be out soon. It helps me keep my Netflix queue updated.

3) recreation.gov My OCD tendencies make traveling on the fly anxiety ridden. I wasn't even aware that there was a website out there that allowed you to book camping sites in advance. But here it is. Make sure you're 100% certain of your reservation plans however. The cancellation fee on this site is pricey.

4) mixbook.com I love to scrapbook, but I'm not very creative...nor am I rich. I just discovered this site at the beginning of the year and I've had a ball creating new pages. I've yet to have them ship me a book, so I can't attest to the quality of the creations. However, I think this is going to save me a truck load on paper, stickers and gadgets.

5) kraftrecipes.com I love to watch all things Food Network. I enjoy witnessing seasoned chefs put together amazing meals with 35 ingredients. That's because it's all fantasy. In my life I need a meal that's inexpensive, easy and tasty. I love this site for that very reason. We can mix up our menus with new fun foods that the kids (and my picky husband) will eat. Another bonus is that that they usually include nutritional information for each recipe.

6) bettycrocker.com Not quite as user friendly as kraft, but even more choices.

7) palaceresorts.com OK...not really something you can use right away but amazing nonetheless. We've enjoyed the 5 star accommodations at the Moon Palace Resort in Cancun for 3 years in a row. If you've never done all-inclusive travel, you're missing out on a huge luxury. The lodging, food, alcohol, entertainment, and local tours are included. Plus, you're allowed to visit other Palace resorts in the area and partake of their food and entertainment. The service is fantastic and I always felt safe. I know people assume that it's horribly expensive to travel all-inclusive, but that's where you're wrong. The last trip we took was a 6 night vacation. Including flight, we spent about $3200. Don't book it on this site however. This is just a good one to look at photos and check out the included amenities. Go to expedia or something for the actual booking. It will save you tons.

Moon Palace Resort and Spa 2010

I used to be fat, but I got better.

I'd love to say that I decided to lose weight to improve my health or to have more energy for my children. That would be a lie. After the birth of my daughter, there was an unfortunate incident with my naked, flabby body and a full length mirror. After seeing the damage that 2 children and gravity had inflicted upon me, I decided I would NOT look like this for the rest of my life. I wanted to be a MILF (google it)! Yes, I'm vain. I fully accept and admit it.

To say that I love to exercise would also be a lie. I hate every second of it. However, to be MILF approved, you must include it on a very regular basis. It has the added benefit of being a very effective anti-depressant. Oh, and all those "healthy" benefits too. Here are a few tips that I have learned in my decade of being an exercise addict:

1) You must do something you at least somewhat enjoy.

If you despise running like I do, ride a bike. If you want to bring a sub-machine gun to step aerobics, try Zumba. There are a million and one ways to get in a good sweat. Pick one that works for you. Much like a 3 yr old in church, I get bored easily so I like to mix it up.

2) Don't wimp out.

Some days you are not going to feel like working out. Some days you'll go to the gym and give yourself a pat on the back just for getting out of bed. These things happen. Don't let them happen too often or too many times in a row. If you're not pushing yourself, you won't improve. Age is not your friend and you'll have to work even harder the older you get. Be honest with your intensity and make sure you're sweating.

3) Skinny is fine. Toned is better.

Sure, to see that number on the scale dropping is a huge motivator. However, I see a lot of women who are "fat skinny". They are small, but saggy, sort of like a raisen. They are thrilled to tell you that they are 110 lbs and a size 2. However, I think we'd all rather see a toned size 6 or 8 in a bikini. Curves are sexy...ask any heterosexual male out there. Incorporate some form of strength training once or twice a week. You don't need heavy weights. Yoga is a good way to tone. I'm fond of The Firm series. I've got several I do that are so old they are VHS. They combine aerobics with 3, 5, 8 and 10lb hand weights. They are effective and available at your local WalMart.

4) Don't buy into the lies.

This mostly refers to diet pills and funky machines they sell on late night television. They don't work, period. They may give you a temporary weight loss, but you'll gain it back (don't even get me started on HCG). It took you time to put on the weight and it will take time to remove it. If it doesn't make you sweat, it will not work. They are preying on your lousy self image and when you give them money, you're enabling the behavior. You're better than that.

5) Reward yourself.

Make little attainable goals each month. When you reach those goals give yourself a little treat. Try not to make it food related. A new hair color, nails, a massage, jewelry, lotions, or a new book are all great little gifts for a job well done.

6) Measure and record your progress.

The first time you measure and weigh yourself you may cry. I did. But 4 weeks from now you'll see the results in inches or lbs and you'll be glad you did. Photos of yourself in swim wear that make you cringe are also good motivators to stay on track.

7) Support

I'm not one who likes to count on another person. However, because we are social and competitive creatures, it may be good for you to have a work out buddy. It will make you push yourself and make you accountable to someone else.

Don't wait to start. Just start doing something...anything right now. There is one sexy woman hiding under that chub. Trust me! Your new self will thank you later.

Cancun 2010

Why Won't My Home Sell????

Your home is overpriced. This is really a very simple concept that sellers have a hard time grasping. Sellers treat their homes like they are their children. “My kid can pop a wheelie on his Schwinn”. “My kid’s birthmark is in the shape of the Easter Bunny”. “My kid can stand on his head for 20 seconds while singing Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”. Yes, yes, that is very nice. However, like anniversaries, no one cares but you.

Let me lay out some simple facts about real estate that may make this bitter pill a little easier to swallow:

1) With the invention of the internet we now see very educated buyers. They shop for homes by comparing them side by side. If your home looks very similar in age, area, and size but is $10,000 more; they aren’t even going to look at it. They will delete it immediately while muttering things like, “They’re high”!

2) Let’s pretend that you do find a buyer who wants to pay asking price for your overpriced home. Most buyers must qualify for a loan to purchase your home. In order for that to occur, the home must appraise for the amount of the sale. Appraisers use recent homes that have sold in the area for their comparables. Guess what? If you’re home isn’t close to the other sold home’s prices, there is a flag on the play and the game is over.

3)“But I have Ralph Lauren paint, 18 inch tile floors, solid gold nails in each stud, and 3 inches of extra insulation in my attic”! Yes. Your home is lovely. But these items don’t add real value to the home. In order to get additional money you need to add square footage, finish a basement, or add on a garage. Facelift items will help your home sell faster than one down the street that isn’t as pretty, but is priced the same.

4) Speaking of homes down the street…your neighbor loves it when you overprice your home. You’re his competition and you’re helping him sell his house. So, if the listed house 3 houses down sends you a fruit basket and a “thank you” card, you may be overpriced.

5) The longer your home sits on the market, the more buyers will wonder what’s wrong with it. “Does it smell like cats”? “Do smokers live there”? "Is it haunted"? Even if you have dropped your price into the range it should have been in at the beginning, you will probably get lowball offers. Your negotiating position is highest when your home is new on the market.

6) Your home has expenses no matter who owns it. The mortgage is hungry, the power is on, the gas is running, the lawn needs mowing and the snow needs to be shoveled. If you’re a proud owner in a Home Owner’s Association, then you are also paying monthly HOA fees. Not to mention the fact that the state tax man will have his hand out as well. Since you’re going to have to lower your price to get it to sell anyway; why not do it in the beginning and save yourself some cash?

Take a moment and take a breath. This is not fun to hear, but it is important for your real estate health. Much like vaccines, it’s best just to do it quick and get it over with. Now, call your agent and lower your price.